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| Red Rocks Amphitheater outside Denver |
I
always experience a post-road trip depression of sorts when I return home. Even
more so this trip since I had to bury Our Dad in the middle of this summers
excursion. Bessie is clean and gleaming in the darkened garage, awaiting my
attention…but I’m not inclined to ride anytime soon.
If
I believe the words of the Eulogy I wrote – and I do wholeheartedly – then I am
practicing acceptance. Monday was the first day I was truly ‘alone,’ after
traveling with my partner for three weeks and being surrounded by family and
friends during the week in Indiana. Normally, I embrace my time alone, this
week….it has been uncomfortable.
“I don't wanna be the girl who has to
fill the silence
The
quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth (Pink)”
The
truth is, I am still bewildered by Our Dad’s choice. I awake each morning
grateful for the daylight, grateful for the quiet satisfaction of a strong cup
of coffee sweetened by my favorite creamer. I anticipate the day ahead
regardless of my responsibilities. I value my partner, my daughter, my friends,
my students. I look forward to coming home; a beautiful home, filled with
laughter and love. I eagerly anticipate the next ride on Bessie, the next book
I choose to get lost in, or the next blank page I will fill up with my writing.
I cannot fathom the hopelessness that would surround me enough to make a
conscience choice to just ‘check out’ of all of the above.
I
will miss my Dad’s cards; he sent them almost weekly. Not just to me, but to
everyone in his life. Motivational, inspirational, they were a small gift
arriving in the mailbox. And they always seemed to arrive at a time when I
needed that extra ‘umph’ to my spirit…words of encouragement from my Dad. It
makes me sad to realize there will be no more cards.
I
will miss the weekly calls to my Dad. He was my biggest fan. Although I had not
seen him since last summers road trip, we talked frequently, the last time just
before I left on the trip. And we always ended our conversation with ‘I love you.’
For that I am grateful as well. My Dad always loved hearing about my trips, and
took great enjoyment in the photos from the trip. Last summer, he bought me a
Go=Pro Video Camera for the bike so I could take videos ‘on the road.’ I
recorded our decent from the summit of Pikes Peak (forgot about it on the way
up!), but I haven’t had the heart to look at it…that was something I would have
done with Dad.
This
week, I have either been stuck in neutral, or stuck in high gear…no in between,
no balance. This morning seems to be one of stuck in neutral, and when that
happens, I just allow the feelings to wash over me, hoping the effort will
allow me to move on at some point. My Dad always reminded me that I was the
resilient one, the one who always met adversity and difficulty head on, not
allowing anything to get me down.
“As my soul slides down to die.
How could I lose him?
What did I try?
Bit by bit, I've realized
That he was here with me;
I looked into my father's eyes.
My father's eyes.
I looked into my father's eyes.
My father's eyes
(Claption)”
The
music will soothe me.
The words will calm me.
The images will remind me.
The laughter and the love will sustain me.
And the memories will comfort my soul.
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