This Much I Know is True

I awoke this morning to a new reality; I’ve hit the 60 mark in birthdays. The twenty-something in me is still saying, ‘what the hell happened?!’  

“No matter how you tell yourself, Its what we all go through. Those lines are pretty hard to take when they’re staring back at you.” Bonnie Raitt

I stepped out of the shower, took a quick visual inventory, and realized: I am the woman I was always meant to be. I’ve arrived at this milestone of birthdays in a state of disbelief for sure, but with a greater sense of ‘self’ than I’ve ever imagined, and a whole lot of gratitude. For someone who spent the first half of her life balancing on the edge, I managed to learn a few things that I have helped me become the woman I am today and probably saved my life a few times over.

“Well I don’t know, but I’ve been told; you never slow down, you never grow old.” Tom Petty

This much I know is true:

Love

“To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life.” Victor Hugo, Les Miserables 

I spent many years trying to find the meaning of that four letter word. With age came clarity. Genuine love is like a tattoo on the heart; indelible ink etched into the porous muscle, throbbing rhythmically with every beat. Each etching is unique to the person who left it there, an intricate memory, impossible to forget. Sometimes painful for the leaving, but the pain fades quickly, leaving an exquisite image for my reference. The people I have loved helped shape the woman I am today - the best of me, the worst of me.

“Oh the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close.” Thomas Moore

Love is gentle, love is kind, love is pure. Love is not selfish, abusive, or toxic. Love is unconditional; no ‘ifs,’ ‘ands,’ or ‘buts’ should ever be attached to ‘I love you.’ The love of a child, and the love for a child is pure and unconditional…all other love should pour from that vessel. Lust itself is what ignites the fire, love is what is left over after the inferno of ‘being’ in love has burned away.

Marriage was never meant to be a ‘way out.’

Neither of the two men I married deserved the insanity that I brought - by truckloads - to the marital table. I have since made my amends to both of my ex-husbands; both of whom survived their marriage to me and went on to successful marriages of their own, with longevity.  I am eternally grateful to my second husband - my 'babies Daddy' - who gave me the gift of two beautiful, brilliant, and talented daughters. They were conceived out of love in an unfortunate coupling between two people who had good intentions.   I still believe in happy endings, I still believe in ‘happy ever after.’    

Karma

It is a natural law, a spiritual law of the Universe, the Law of Cause and Effect; whatever energy I put ‘out there,’ returns to me tenfold. Karma is good - or - bad, depending on whether you are on the receiving end or not. My life today is a direct result of the choices I have made along the way. I am a recipient and I am a carrier of Karma.

I never fully understood the concept until my daughters entered adolescence. Then it resonated in me, ‘Oh fuck. I get it. Karma.’  

If it seems like a good idea at the time…it probably isn’t.

Find that which feeds your soul.

“Four wheels moves the body; Two wheels moves the soul.”

It can be a conscience effort - as it was with me; a spiritual quest to find that which feeds my soul. Or it can be an act of serendipity - an unexpected event along the way. However you discover that thing or those things….find it. For me it is reading, photography, writing, and my motorcycle…all solitary activities that leave me recharged and energized, not depleted.

“A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means I survived.”

My children are my sincerest, most valuable contribution to the world at large.

I became a better person the day my daughters were born. I never knew 'unconditional love,' until I held my first daughter in my arms and 13 months later, her sister.  Prior to the gift of Motherhood, I thought 'sacrifice,' meant foregoing dessert so I could fit into my favorite pair of jeans, or NOT buying that new pair of shoes so I could divert the money to a vacation fund. I would learn very quickly that 'sacrifice,' meant, among other things, losing sleep when your kid is sick, putting their needs before your own, and if needed, stepping in front of a speeding train to save their life.  Sacrifice meant foregoing new shoes....Period. And ultimately, 'sacrifice' meant - and still does - choosing what was best for my daughters, not necessarily what I wanted.  Looking back on 24 years of Motherhood, I chose my daughters best interest over mine 99% of the time. And in that 1%, I regret not choosing their happiness and sense of security over my own.  

Each child is capable of inflicting their own brand of heartache. Laying it at your feet in different degrees, urging the application of unconditional love.

Men are not complicated, women are complicated.

There is no secret to understanding men. They are not complicated creatures. WOMEN are the complicated creatures. There, I said it. Women are still not practiced at defining, then communicating what we WANT from the men - or man - in our lives. My relationship with men never matured until I was able to delve into the analysis of 'self,' thoroughly understanding what I needed in my relationships before attempting to have one. My relationships blossomed and matured as I did. I have the capacity to look at the man in my life and say, 'I need you to....,' I like it when...,' ' I feel uncomfortable when....,' and a variety of other phrases that begin with 'I feel' not the accusatory, 'you.'

Spiritual Well-Being

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” Joseph Campbell

Everyone needs a power greater than themselves to believe in. I am a spiritual being trying to make sense in an Earthly world. I have learned to trust my beliefs, honor my choices, and respect your ability to do the same. It really is that simple.

My body is the temple; I haven’t always treated it as such, but I learned that when my spiritual well being is out of sync, so is my physical well being. When my physical well being has suffered, so shall my spiritual well being. The mind/body connection is a powerful one; honor it.

“All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.” Joseph Campbell

Family

I didn’t choose my family, but I practice unconditional love for them. 

If I lost the ability to read or listen to music, I would wither up and die.

“Books give a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything else.”

I have more books than friends; literally. My Mom didn’t realize it all those years ago when she would drop me off at the Marion Public Library on a Saturday morning so she would only have two small children instead of three in tow as she ran errands, that she was instilling a love affair with the printed word in her eldest child. It was a kinder, gentler word when a Mom could do that sort of thing, taking comfort in knowing the ‘Library Ladies’ would watch over me for a few hours until she returned. I took refuge in the dusty shelves of hardback books, I loved the smell of the library - still do - I loved the quiet, I loved walking among the shelves that towered above my head, and I loved selecting the titles, then stacking them neatly, one by one, at the checkout desk. Most of all, I loved the opportunity to unleash my imagination and to get lost in an adventure. I learned that a girl could do anything by reading Amelia Earhart’s biography, I learned a girl could be brave by reading ‘Little Women,’ and  I learned what love and loyalty meant by reading ‘The Secret Garden.’ 

I learned that books could be a salvation, a refuge for me. Seeing them lined up on a shelf, or stacked on my nightstand gives me peace. When I open a book - even among chaos - I am an island; deserted, warm, gentle breezes, a swinging hammock, and the printed page. I am never without a book - digital text has made this much easier - and I hope to never be without a book. Please let me die with a good book somewhere in my possession.

“Books are a uniquely portable magic.” Stephen King

Awwww….music. There is a soundtrack to my life; giving it rhythm, giving it cadence, giving me a purpose and focus. At times, I fit into lyrics more than I fit into life.

“Without music, life would be an error.” Frederich Nietzsche 

I am happiest when I am one with the elements.

I am a Taurus, an Earth sign. I collect rocks…from places I travel. I write the date and location on each rock, then toss it into a large glass vase that sits on my desk at school. It currently reminds me of why I work, so I can travel. In later years it will remind me of all the places I’ve touched the Earth. I love the sun on my face or back; although my Dermatologist reminds me it is ‘bad’ for me. Who cares?! I will NOT be a good looking corpse. I love the rain; watching it, playing in it, feeling it cleanse my skin. I don’t like riding Bessie in it however. I need to visit the mountains once a year, and the ocean as many times as possible. Only when I’m able to connect with the elements do I feel whole. I love riding Bessie through fields of growing things; the corn in Indiana, the wheat in Kansas, the pistachio groves in West Texas, the strawberry fields in Florida. I like to sleep where I can see the stars or hear the ocean.

“Sky above me, Earth below me, Fire within me.”

“Actually, the best gift you could have given her is a lifetime of adventures,” Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

And just some random thoughts…

I hate underwear.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro (HST).

I love leather.

I still love the smell of my ‘babies’ heads.

Mean people suck.

The elderly are our greatest national treasure.

I am a work in progress.

I am beautifully flawed.

I am ok with my body…really.

I take pleasure in the simple things.

I will always sacrifice the things I need in order to travel.

I insist on laughing; often and loud.

Life is for me to enjoy, not endure.

I am too judgmental.

I love ice cream.

Nothing better than a strong cup of coffee and a gooey baked good.

I learned the fine art of relaxing…really.

There are not too many things I fear…except running out of time.

Its none of my god-damned business what people think of me…really.

I like to think I embrace change (but I really don’t)

I have tapped that reserve of inner strength and resilience more times than I’ve wanted to.

Confident women don’t hate.

The act of forgiveness is paramount to my spiritual well being.

Resentments are a luxury I cannot afford.

I would rather have flowers in my hair than diamonds around my neck.

I’ve never lost my free spirit.

So far, 60 isn't so bad.

Life is Good

I am grateful to my partner Paul; he is my knight in shining armor. He makes it easy to be me. I am grateful for my daughters - one near, one far. I am wealthy with friends, blessed with family, and content with my surroundings. 

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body; but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, ‘WOW, what a ride!”  Hunter S. Thompson