Women vs. Women

Yes, you read the title correctly, 'Women versus Women."

I know. It SHOULD read 'Women Supporting Women." 

All too often we don't. Oh, we like to say we do. But are we REALLY lifting each other up in our singular and/or group endeavors? These are my thoughts this morning after a particularly agonizing 'discussion' about diversity within the motorcycle community and social media. The discussion brought my own personal experiences with the topic of women supporting women full circle since the release of my book Riding Soul-O.

It is not my intention to cast disparity, bash my gender, or create additional angst. My intention is to urge women to engage in a little soul searching and self reflection on how we treat other women.

I became politically aware in the late sixties when the 'Women's Movement' was just gaining traction. Feminist icons such as Bella Abzug, Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, and Angela Davis shared the national stage with sometimes differing ideologies, but their shared message was always the same - equal rights for women. Because they fully grasped the bigger picture - when one woman is empowered, we all become empowered. As I contemplated what to write this morning, and how to write it so as not to piss off my gender, I reflected on the writings of the four feminist pioneers I mentioned. Perhaps their philosophies that rang true in the '60's and early '70's ring true today...or not.

“Women will change the nature of power, rather than power changing the nature of women.”
― Bella Abzug

I think Bella would be disappointed. 

Power. The ability to lift another woman up with you as you gain recognition. Power. The ability to initiate a seemingly simple gesture - like returning a phone call or email - when a woman reaches out to you for help. Lots of talk about women 'empowering' women but are you aware the word 'empower' means 'to make someone stronger more confident?' Empowerment is not a competition.

"A pedestal is as much a prison as any, small confined space."

- Gloria Steinem

It must be lonely at the top; I wouldn't know, I've never been there. As an Indie Author, I'm still down here scrapping and scraping my way to a modicum of recognition for my literary talents. When I started reaching out to other women (in positions of Marketing Director/Event Managers, etc.) to market my book, I was shocked at the divas on pedestals who wouldn't even give me the time of day. Woman to woman it shouldn't matter if you don't like my product, or perhaps you don't think your event and my product are not a good match...then do me the courtesy of saying so. Don't just dismiss me. In the last seven months I have met a handful of tenacious, creative women who are hustling their talents. As women, we need to share each others victories in marketing our talents, share social media posts that promote each others products/talents at every opportunity, mention our creative sisters whenever possible, and never forget the prison of the pedestal. 

“Man is not the enemy here, but the fellow victim. The real enemy is women's denigration of themselves.”

― Betty Friedan

Misogyny ( dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women) is rampant in our country; women bashing seems to be a sport for one particular political party. The only thing worse than prejudice against women is when women pick up the stick and start bashing other women. I see it on social media in groups that claim to 'uplift, support, empower (theres that word again), encourage.....' other women. I think Betty would agree with me; when we become catty, defensive, selfish, jealous and downright mean with each other, we lose. When you post in a women's group on social media do you stop to consider whether or not your comment is going to help or hinder another sister's growth? Do you take into consideration whether or not your comment is sensitive to the skill level, diversity, or confidence level of the sister asking the question? Do you follow the herd mentality of joining in the chorus of toxicity?  The ugly name-calling, the derogatory remarks (yes, it is STILL going on in one particular social media group as I type these words), and the racist slander all in the name of 'Sisterhood.' Makes me want to turn in my membership card. 

“I try never to take myself for granted as somebody who should be out there speaking. Rather, I’m doing it only because I feel there’s something important that needs to be conveyed.” 

– Angela Davis

I don't always listen to what you say, I watch what you do and how you treat other women (or servers in a restaurant). Yes, you are certainly talking the talk...but will you walk the walk with another sister? Will you refuse to promote my book because you see it as competition? Do you take the stage and preach empowerment only to exit the stage and ignore a sister who is simply asking for a hand up?  How many of us post daily affirmations screaming Positivity! Empowerment! Strength! You Got This Sister! only to ignore the woman who is trying to support YOU on her journey towards recognition. Forge a bond, not nurse a grudge. View another woman as a mentor, not a competitor. Set aside the petty jealousy - we are a long way from middle school - and exhibit genuine interest in another sister's hopes, dreams, goals or endeavors.

I too have been accused of being 'too judgmental' at times. It is exactly what needs to happen. I hope we all have that one person in our lives who looks at you and says, 'You are being a little too harsh right now.' That's my truth and what I choose to do with that truth is what makes me a decent human being...or not. There are many women who have helped me along the way in my writing/publishing journey who I owe a debt of gratitude for the support. I learned from those women what it 'looked like' to show support and lift another sister up in her journey. 

If you have arrived all the way to the end of my blog today, I hope my words have resonated with you enough that you spend some time in serious self-reflection. And lastly, I hope my words resonated with you to the point you were able to say, 'Yes, I'm capable of actually supporting other women in their endeavors...so I know she's not talkin bout me.'

Debi Tolbert Duggar is the author of Riding Soul-O,

Part Memoir, Part Travelogue, Part Spiritual Salvation

Her book is available at Bessieandme.com and online wherever books are sold.