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Autumn Haze

 My meditation this morning read, "The world has more depth in autumn. So, it seems does my soul." 

My first reaction was bullshit. Then I reminded myself this was supposed to be the quiet, reflective, meditative beginning to my morning, not a contentious reflection or a brow-beating. Fall is a difficult feeling in Florida where it is still 90 degrees, sunny, and lushly green.

I wonder if anyone else feels like everything tangible is just out of reach? Half of the year so far has been spent in limbo; quarantine, shut down, social distancing, open, not open, cancelled, half capacity. Even my students appear as little tiny squares on my computer screen; intangible, just out of reach. 

After a stint in the hospital, I find it necessary to downshift and live in a lower gear. This is not the place I am accustomed to but the place that will keep me healthy. I'm grateful for the ability to recognize burnout before I was completely charred. Setting the world on fire comes with risks. 

In her book 'Simple Abundance,' Sarah Ban Breathnach describes first-degree burnout as "the soul snuffer. It comes from living unbalanced for years; when what was supposed to be a temporary situation becomes a lifestyle." 

"Writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all."

August 8th was the last time my characters in #Scattered talked to me; they too seem just out of reach. Living in the shadows, afraid to step into the light. Dwelling on the fringes of my consciousness refusing to speak, reluctant to call attention to themselves. I've tried my normal methods of channeling the fictional characters; long walks before sunrise, riding my muse Bessie, awakening in the middle of the night to write....to no avail. My brain is like a runaway freight train carrying a mixed bag of random, non-sensical thoughts. 

My first chapter of #Scattered and the character descriptions were 'workshopped' by my writer's group - The Sister Scribe Circle - in September. I value this group of talented, creative, and soulful women...their opinion matters. The group suggested I rework Tish and Ann as their characters were not exactly 'true' to themselves and I agree. I've lived with Tish and Ann exactly how they are for almost a year now, its proving difficult to 'see' them any other way. I feel perhaps my need to downshift has stifled my writing. Only time will tell.

After a full day of online teaching my brain is fried. Teaching used to energize me, not zap me of my energy. eSchool is a soul-crushing experience for this educator. My mantra is "Someday I will wake up, eSchool will be a bad memory and Donald Trump will not be President."

Autumn ushers in the seasons of celebration, a shedding of the old, a prelude to hibernation and the renewal of spring. 

"The fields are harvested and bare,
And Winter whistles through the square.
October dresses in flame and gold
Like a woman afraid of growing old."
~ Anne Mary Lawler


Debi Tolbert Duggar is the author of the book #RidingSoulo
Available from Bessieandme.com or online wherever books are sold.


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