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#Scattered_Day 11

"Bree was an only child of two only children. She never married and never had children of her own. Della, Tish, and Ann were her family. Bree never seemed to mind the 'only-ness' of her life. Over the years she accumulated many acquaintances, mostly through her work and travels. From the outside looking in you would say Bree had a very full life.

Della often wondered what a life without family would be like. I mean, who would keep the secrets? And if your family was as bare as Bree's...would there even be secrets to keep? Without a drunk uncle, no one would have to step around the elephant in the room. Without cousins, no one would know that cousin Eloise was pregnant with another man's child when she quickly agreed to marry John. Without a sister, no one would have to hide the fact that your brother-in-law's family was polluted with alcoholics which is why they were never invited for Thanksgiving dinner. 

The closets in Della's family were full of skeletons. Each generation was tasked with keeping a secret about one family member or another, their standing in the family hierarchy dependent on how well you could keep a secret. Della also knew 'you are as sick as your secrets' which qualified her family for group discounts for mental health therapy and treatment facilities."

I've been traveling to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area since I was literally a babe in arms. My Uncle (Mom's oldest brother) left Indiana when he joined the service (Korean veteran), was stationed in Texas where he met my Aunt. He remained in Texas, married, had my two cousins and built a well-ordered, prosperous life in the Lone Star State. 

I remember the train rides. My grandmother packed me and food for three days, boarded the train in Indianapolis and rode to Ft. Worth to spend a week or so with my Uncle. Then the car trips. My mom and dad would load the station wagon, plow all three of us kids in the back, roll the windows down and head west. The heat, the dust, the wind! As a kid, it was all very exciting!

I traveled for business in the '80's and found every opportunity to stop over in Dallas/Ft. Worth to visit with my Texas kin. I loaded my two girls up along with the dog Gracie and headed to Ft. Worth to see my Uncle and his family in the mid '90's. It had been six years between visits this time and we all decided that was way too long.

I haven't seen my cousin Lisa in six years but the morning after my arrival, we sat on her beautifully appointed patio overlooking the pool and profusion of flowers (my Aunt is a gardener extraordinaire and my two cousins inherited the gene) and talked until mid-afternoon. Yes, we talked about the family secrets. Well, I should say former secrets as they are no more. We laid the family history bare. There is not one skeleton left in that closet. We both agreed it was very cathartic. I don't believe there is anything noble about keeping the secrets, guarding the family honor, or protecting the guilty. Generational anger only infects the next generation. One look at our family tree and you see dysfunction - some slight, some prolific - in each generation. Only when a family starts talking about the dysfunction does anyone get any help. I was happy my Uncle brought up a cousin who has sunk deeply into the family disease of alcoholism. He just tossed it right out there on the dining room table in between 'please pass the chicken,' and 'I'll have some more of those green beans please!' Yes. Okay. Now we can get somewhere. Although I for one know if an alcoholic is not ready to stop drinking, no amount of family support or involvement is going to help. 

We talked well into the evening, none of us ready to give up the conversation and cozy family atmosphere. Alas, it was a long drive back to Ft. Worth from Coppell and I could see my Aunt fading fast. Quick 'air-hugs' as we were all doing our best to 'social distance' and not make contact with each other. I ended the evening with a warm fuzzy feeling and reluctance that tomorrow would mean 'good-bye' again as I pointed Bessie's front end towards home.

Debi Tolbert Duggar is the author of 'Riding Soul-O'
Part Memoir, Part Travelogue, Part Spiritual Salvation
Available at Bessieandme.com and online wherever books are sold

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